How to Retire as a Disaster Necromancer (at 16...or any age!)
Retirement. The word conjures images of sunny beaches, quiet evenings, and the gentle rocking of a hammock. But for a disaster necromancer, retirement might look… slightly different. Let's face it, leaving behind a career in raising armies of the undead from apocalyptic events isn't as simple as handing in your scythe and filing for Social Security. This guide offers a pragmatic, (relatively) ethical, and hopefully humorous approach to retirement for the young, ambitious, and somewhat morbidly inclined disaster necromancer.
Why Retire at 16?
Perhaps you've reached peak necromantic power at the tender age of sixteen. Maybe the constant summoning of plague-ridden skeletons has taken its toll, and you’re yearning for something...less smelly. Or maybe you've simply had enough of the paperwork involved in obtaining ethically sourced (or, let’s be honest, unethically sourced) disaster corpses. Whatever the reason, retiring young takes planning.
What are some common challenges faced by retiring disaster necromancers?
This is a crucial question, and one often overlooked in the typical retirement planning guide. The challenges are unique to our profession, and ignoring them could lead to, well, more disasters.
- Ethical Concerns: Finding ethical employment after a career built on raising the undead from catastrophic events is tricky. "Previous experience: raised a legion of skeletal warriors from the remains of a volcano" doesn't exactly scream "ideal candidate for a library assistant."
- Maintaining Skills: Necromantic skills require constant practice (unless you want to risk your carefully cultivated zombie army turning feral). Maintaining your skills without causing global incidents is a delicate balancing act.
- Retirement Funds: Let's be honest, disaster necromancy isn't exactly known for its lucrative salary. Have you been squirreling away gold coins in your crypt? (If not, start now.)
- Public Image: People tend to react poorly to necromancy. Maintaining a low profile in retirement is critical to avoid unwanted attention from angry villagers, concerned authorities, or perhaps...rival necromancers.
How can I maintain my necromantic skills while in retirement?
This is a delicate dance between upholding your ethical (or at least relatively ethical) standards and keeping those skills sharp. Consider these options:
- Ethical Necromantic Consulting: Offer your expertise in disaster prevention and mitigation using your unique necromantic insight. Focus on identifying potential disaster zones before they become disaster zones. Think of yourself as a necromantic urban planner.
- Academic Research: Explore the less… destructive aspects of necromantic study. Publish papers on skeletal biomechanics or the history of particularly ghastly disasters.
- Creative Necromancy: Channel your necromantic abilities into art. Create stunningly unsettling sculptures using ethically sourced (ideally already deceased, and not tragically deceased because of you) materials.
What are some alternative career paths for a retired disaster necromancer?
The good news is, your unique skills are surprisingly transferable. Consider:
- Forensic Anthropologist: Your knowledge of decomposition and skeletal structures is invaluable.
- Archaeologist: Your experience excavating (albeit somewhat violently) ancient burial sites is surprisingly useful.
- Horror Writer: You've lived the life; now, write about it!
How do I plan for my financial future after retirement?
This requires serious planning. You need a solid retirement plan—and it probably involves more than just gold coins stashed away in your crypt. Consider:
- Investing: Diversify your portfolio. A diversified portfolio can mitigate losses (unless you invest in undead-related stocks, which is not recommended).
- Real Estate: Investing in property can provide a steady income stream, even if it's a bit spooky.
Retirement is a significant milestone, even for a disaster necromancer. With careful planning, ethical considerations, and a dash of dark humor, you can enjoy a peaceful (relatively peaceful) and fulfilling retirement—even if it involves a slightly unusual career change. Remember, the key to successful retirement is to embrace the next chapter, whatever form it may take.
